Therapy is hard.

 I first did therapy when I was diagnosed with cancer, 16 years ago, and I've done it on and off - mostly off - since then. 

But I'm determined to work through my garbage, because I'm tired of my old issues being the driving force in my life.

I got messages early in life that lasted well into my 40s that said if I wasn't perfect, I wasn't enough; those messengers said that if I didn't agree with them, I was wrong. Not just wrong - bad.

I was either good - compliant, agreeable, smiling, supportive, and absolutely without my own needs or desires if they were in the least bit of conflict with theirs. My time, interests, and ideas, needed to align. If I liked different food, I was mocked. If I liked different music, I was annoying and tasteless. If I liked different politics, I was an idiotic fool; if I had different dreams then I was a traitor to my family.

If I did what they wanted, I was good, and received approval, but I always knew that it wouldn't last, and that  in order for me to get that stamp of approval, I had to contort myself into a pretzel to get through my days, and it was exhausting, confusing, and ever so lonely.

I am estranged from those people now, and I doubt that I will ever be able to be in relationship with them again, because to do so hurts me and requires me to be someone I'm not. When the people who are supposed to love you best are those that hurt you and tell you that you are worthless, stupid, and shameful, well, there's nothing to be done but find a new way. I found that new way five years ago, and I'm proud of myself for having the courage to stand up, turn around, and face my future with truth and integrity. I'm not a pretzel anymore, and I no longer believe that my innate wishes and desires are bad, or that at my core, I'm bad.

But I've got work to do, anyway.

I am so far still from who I want to be, and the old messages still linger in my brain. Whenever I struggle, I hear them telling me that I'm bad, that I'm wrong, that I'll never amount to anything and "who do you think you are anyway" and "you think you're too good for us" and "persnickety".

So here I am, these old messages flaring up every time something goes in the least bit wrong, every time I have a smidgen of doubt about myself (all the time, for the record).

And I want to do better.

So back to therapy I go, dredging up old experiences and trying to understand how it is that I became the way I am, and how to let go of these ideas that do not serve me.

It's hard work. Remembering the things that have hurt me isn't a delightful experience... and I am doing it anyway. It's time to move past the old ways.

I know I can do better in my life, and I want to live with a heart at ease.

A heart that doesn't hurt too much to let a good man in.

So - therapy.

And it's hard.