Slogging and Joy

 I consider myself an incredibly optimistic person, but lately I am just slogging through my days.

Slogging at work.

Slogging at home.

Slogging through my dreams.

My energy levels are shockingly low, and I just feel worn out, no matter how much I try to rest. My body isn't helping: I can't remember the last time I slept through the night without awakening multiple times.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's temporary, that this too shall pass.

It helps to remember why I feel like this:

- Global pandemic (health risks, not traveling, not going to restaurants, theaters, etc.)

- Kid just left for college

- Single at 52, living alone (wait, this wasn't the plan!)

- thyroid issues (I get checked again next month)

- Back to school in a pandemic - the kids are needier than ever.

- Estrangement from parents and a recent particularly nasty interaction with my mother.

- Therapy. Oh, don't get me wrong: I'm a big believer in therapy, and I like my new therapist, but... it's hard. I'm facing The Big Stuff and it's exhausting.

So here I am, and it feels like every move is just slogging through the mud and slightly unbearable. Every step just feels a little heavier, and collectively, I just feel worn out.

But.

But I've been here before - the cancer years, the bad-marriage-then-divorce years. I made it to the other side then, and I will now, and the joy that comes after the storms is such a gift.

I'm trying to forgive myself for feeling so unenergetic, stuck, unmotivated, and sad. I'm trying to remind myself that this isn't because I'm a broken person, a terrible person, or an unworthy person. I'm feeling like this because things are legitimately hard right now.

I'm trying to remember that...

I'm good at my job and I'll find my way again.

I want Tessa to thrive in college, and for both of us to find a new way to co-exist.

When I'm ready, I'll go out there and find the right man to partner with, and appreciate the hell out of him (as he will me).

My estrangement from my family of origin is healthy. Agreeing to toxic behaviors isn't healthy, so even though I'm used to the dysfunctional way of being in the family, this is a much better choice for me, even if it hurts to not have family.

But today, I'm slogging, trying to remember the look of the sunrise, and the joys that are to come, trying to remember my energetic self and the life that awaits.

I guess I'll just slog my way through until the mud runs out, and then I'll walk on dry land again, change my clothes, and embrace the sunshine.

Soon, please.