And I'm sad.
My favorite parts of my job are gone and I find myself sitting in front of my computer staring blankly, unmotivated and unhappy.
My daughter is crabby. I don't blame her, but still, crabby roommates/children are not the best company.
I feel lonely. Not alone, lonely. I HATE THIS FEELING.
I am at a loss as to how to "fix" myself, but I'm trying. I've been appreciating some of the down time - bread baking, reading cookbooks, making jewelry. But it's not enough.
Next up: I need to dream again. I'm living day to day, but it feels like the future is just one big confusion, a murky muddiness that makes me want to burst into tears. So, I'm trying to look ahead to things that I *can* do, things that I want to do, things that aren't a compromise.
With this in mind, I just ordered a pair of stand up paddle boards and accessories for Tessa and I. I ordered a bikini - optimistic, perhaps, but I did it! - and board shorts and a rash guard for myself, and told Tessa to pick out her own. I got a couple of inexpensive dry bags, and some personal flotation devices: two of the more expensive inflatable waist belt ones, and two of the "normal" and less expensive padded vest ones. My thought is that when it's cold out, the vests will keep us warm, and when it's hot and sunny we'll be delighted to have the less cumbersome waist belts on.
I'm fantasizing about them.
They should arrive before Memorial Day Weekend, and I'm envisioning packing lunches and water bottles, and heading to Lowman Beach or Mee Kwa Mooks and having our inaugural rides. I'm picturing looking cute, and I'm picturing selfies with my beautiful daughter. I'm picturing tipping and trying not to fall in, laughing until our stomachs hurt. I'm picturing paddling together, getting the hang of it, and then Tessa pulling ahead of me, lost in her own thoughts, enjoying being on the water and getting swept up into the athleticism of it, the peace of it, the joy of being on the sea.
I'm also picturing going out by myself, lost in my own thoughts, feeling strong and confident.
I've wanted to get kayaks or paddle boards for years, and I've always found reasons not to do it, mostly financial (I don't need to spend hundreds of dollars on frivolous items). But right now? Basically, I decided to say "screw it!" Our world is so small, inside our house, with furtive trips to the grocery store and little more. I was talking to Tessa about our sadness, and how we needed to find things to dream about, and ways to do more than simply pass the time and wait this out.
I decided that SUP was my answer.
I picked SUP because I love, love, love being out on the water, and I'm certainly not about to buy a yacht (or even a smaller boat). I debated about kayaking, but kayaks are heavier, and I would need a car rack, and I'd need to be able to get it on and off my car; additionally, they're more expensive.
I found SUPs that are inflatable, for a relatively good price, with lots of great reviews. They come in a backpack, so that I can even walk to Lowman Beach carrying it if I choose to, and then inflate at the water's edge. (This would be an issue if they closed the parking at Lowman as they have for Lincoln Park, although I don't think they'll do that at such a small park.) In buying two, I can go with Tessa, or I can invite a friend to join me. The boards can fit an extra person sitting on the front, and I figured with two kinds of PFDs Tessa can even have a SUP party if she chooses.
I've been working on my health, and my body is changing. I'm envisioning a summer where I'm out on the water in a bathing suit as often as I please, and my abs get shaped by my activities. I'm envisioning standing tall on the board, comfortable in my skin. The boards came with waterproof phone cases; sometimes I'll just listen to the water, but sometimes I'll listen to music that suits my mood.
It's a peaceful image, and one I'm clinging to. I need peaceful images, and I need something to look forward to.
***
Another reason to get an SUP is because I want it, and I'm worth it. I struggle to buy things beyond necessities for myself, as my parents accused me of being frivolous, of wanting the wrong activities or items. I have no idea if they would enjoy SUP, but I do know this: *I* enjoy it. It's a tough workout, but it's also so peaceful. I can lay on the board and just drift if I like. I can go fast if I like. I can get up at dawn and watch the world awaken, or I can go midday in the traffic of other paddle boarders.
Maybe I'll meet a cute man from six feet away.
Maybe I'll bring Chance and he'll learn how to sit on the front of the board. (He is so bouncy, I don't know how this would work! But he's a great swimmer, so if he falls in maybe that's okay?!
Maybe I'll pack a picnic and beach myself to rest.
I just know this: this summer, I intend to SUP, and to enjoy every second of it. Imagining it is bringing me light in this darkness.
It's lonely to be single in a quarantine. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm going to find joyful ways to occupy myself, things that I've wanted to do before but I couldn't.
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