Longing

Today is day 46 (?) of quarantine in our house.

And I am filled with longing.

I long to hear my daughter and her friends in our basement, laughing and talking as they eat pizza and popcorn and home made brownies, watching a movie but really just being together.

I long to go on a long walk with a friend, winding up at my house for a healthy lunch.

I long to hop on a bus downtown to go to a movie, a museum, a lunch date.

I long to go on a date, to dress up just a little (sundress season is nearly here!) and to feel that little spark of excitement as I think, "oh - maybe?"

I long to take my market basket on a Sunday to the farmer's market. I stop at Bakery Nouveau for a treat (their raspberry croissants are otherworldly, perhaps my all time favorite food), pick up my market goodies (greens and fruits, particularly June strawberries), then pop in to Pegasus Books to find a treasure to read. My final stop is Easy Street, where I go upstairs to flip through their "just arrived" used records, finding funny or wonderful treasures like John Denver, Ella Fitzgerald, Linda Rondstadt, or Queen. Sometimes I do this activity solo, but I'm never alone, because I run into neighbors and friends, and we stop and visit and share tips about what the farmers are selling, and maybe we grab a coffee together.

I miss the dog park almost as much as Chance does. When the world isn't gone mad, we go weekly. He swims in the lake, and I stand around talking to other dog owners, and generally soaking up the good will of those joyful dogs running at mad speeds and splashing and stealing one another's balls.

I want to go on a ferry to a nearby destination. I want to sit out on the deck, sun on my face, chatting with a friend, admiring the views, wind in my hair. I want to wander through a small town.

I long to visit my favorite bookstores, picking up books and putting them down again, getting recommendations from staff, chatting quietly with the people who say, "oh that's a good one!"

I long to meet my friends at an outdoor concert - at Hiawatha park, where I never know if I'll like the music but I always love the vibe; or a ZooTunes or Chateau Ste. Michelle concert, where we pack gourmet picnics and spend an hour or two before the concert chatting and laughing and drinking wine before the concert begins, and we dance and clap and laugh.

I long to go to the Seattle Art Museum, taking in the beauty and the strangeness.

And most of all, I long to fill my house with friends. I long to host a game night: we do potluck, and the teenagers come too and they love it as much as the adults do. I long to host a special dinner, the kind where I cook all day, and get the house shining and tidy, and put flowers on the table, and light candles. I long to have backyard hangouts where we laugh and talk and share food and come in and out of the house.

I want to have a murder mystery party.

I want to sit in a restaurant and take my time, ordering new dishes, chatting with a friend.

I want to go to plays, movies, Broadway shows. I want to get dressed up, and go with a friend or a date or Tessa.

This weekend, I'm going to two birthday parties where we drive by in cars, and I'm going to a wedding on Zoom. I'm going to a baby shower next week on Zoom. I don't want to drive by parties, I long to go inside. I don't want to look at my computer, I want to hug my friends and sit with them.

I want to go to my yoga class. I want to listen to the music, and the gentle breaths of other students, and be in the dim lighting. At the end, after savasana, I want to sit in lotus and chant "om" with the other students, filled with the beauty of the practice.

I want to go to Alki for so many things. I want to sit in a chair and read, I want to swim and stand up paddle board, to meet my friends for happy hour at Cactus, to have a bonfire on the beach and sit on the logs under the stars.

I want to try an escape room.

I want to visit neighborhoods - Wallingford, Fremont, Ballard, Columbia City, Beacon Hill, Capital Hill, the I.D. - and poke around little shops, try out new restaurants.

I want to spend hours browsing at Elliott Bay or Pegasus or Paper Boat or a bookstore I've never heard of.

I want to rent a cabin in the San Juans.

I want to go camping, and sit in on ranger talks, and around campfires with other folks.

I want to go whale watching from kayaks with friends.

I want to get my hair cut, a pedicure, and (ahem) ready for bikini season with waxing.

I want to bring my friends birthday cakes and hugs.

I long to visit someone dear to me who was recently in the hospital.

I want to teach my students IN PERSON AT SCHOOL. Oh, how I long for that!

***

So much longing. It will happen again. But right now - just longing.

I do see the half full part of the glass. I'm comfortable and safe at home. We're eating better than ever. I'm exercising midday. I have time to do hobbies like jewelry making.

But I still long for more.