What I Want

I have a million things that I want - a trip to somewhere tropical, world peace, a flat stomach, a happy child - but not all of the things I want are equal, and I'm trying to work really hard on what I *really* want.

I want to live a life of value and meaning, in which I live my values. This is so much harder than it sounds. It means I have to hold my temper when I'm angry, but not suppress my anger. It means that I have to balance my budget, but maintain joy. It means I have to take care of the world, while I do self care.

I do not have it figured out.

As I mentioned, I joined Weight Watchers (again) two weeks ago. It's going ridiculously well - surprisingly well. I needed to drop 30 pounds, and I've already dropped 9.8 pounds in two weeks. I had hoped for a loss of two pounds a week, so I'm a little startled at my early success, though I'm enjoying it. But the thing about it is... it's making me question EVERYTHING, make me wonder where else I haven't lived my values and where I could do better.

The reason I put on weight is because I stopped living my values. As a cancer survivor, I know all too well, in intimate detail, what happens when the body gets disease. I know the shape of the fear; I know the heaviness and taste of it. I know that nothing in the world is worth living with that fear. What comes with the fear is pain (in my case, things like surgeries and radiation that lead to third degree burns), tedium (how many appointments?!), and the inability to do the simple tasks that make a life run smoothly. It temporarily stole from me the ability to climb the trail, to run along the sea...to make dinner for my family.

I never what to feel like that again. Ever. So why did I allow myself to get so unhealthy?

It's because I tried to take shortcuts to happiness.

It's so easy to believe that the brownie contains happiness; that the answer is in a screen, and not in nature. Those two ideas go against my values in every way...and yet I let myself believe that I was okay, I wasn't doing too badly. The result? Pants that didn't fit, followed by replacement pants, followed by even bigger replacement pants. A face in the mirror that didn't look like mine (why is my chin that shape?!). Cholesterol with alarming numbers. Flabby muscles.

I don't know why, but sometimes the truth is right in front of me and I ignore it, but then suddenly - after days or years - I see it clearly and know exactly what to do, and I'm filled with inspiration to do what must be done. When I get an idea in my head, it is almost like it just happens - I'm filled with determination and I feel unstoppable. It happened when I put myself through college despite the fact that my parents didn't support that journey emotionally or financially: I knew I had to do it anyway. (Two undergraduate degrees and a masters later, it seems that I was onto something.) I knew it when I had to get divorced: years of a bad marriage, but one day I didn't have any more questions, I just knew that I needed to create a new life. Returning to teaching: one day I just knew, even after a 14 year absence, that it was time.

Sometimes I just know things.

Right now, I know I'm on the cusp of a few things. One is my weight loss. I have ten (almost!) pounds down, and at least 20 to go, and I'm 100% sure that I will lose that weight. I did it once before, after the worst part of cancer treatment in 2006, and I know I can do it again.

But while I do it, I'm really thinking about what I really want, and where else in my life I've been delusional, thinking that I'm doing what I want (e.g. brownies) but sabotaging what I really want (e.g. health).

When someone says "would you like a brownie and a heart attack, or no brownie and health?" it seems like a ridiculous idea, but I think it really is that simple, and that complicated.

So I'm looking everywhere at my life. Where do I need to do things differently?

***

I need to write more. The book is evolving in my brain, and it's ready to go. I'm so sure that I have something to say, and that the time is NOW. If I am strong enough to face someone else's domestic violence, strong enough to face down cancer, strong enough to lose ten pounds in two weeks....surely I'm strong enough to write stories!

I need to budget better. My phone screen is cracked, and today I went to the phone store (three of them, actually, to compare) to figure out a new phone; my iPhone 6 isn't worth the cost of the screen repair. Every single plan they offered, every single bill, was significantly higher than I wanted it to be. I wanted the new phone. I wanted the new features. But I held off. Because what I want most of all is to live a life free from worry about money, and adding another $45 to my monthly bills wasn't the right way to do it.

Yesterday, my brain still foggy from the trauma of a couple of weeks ago, I went to the mountains and hiked in the snow with my silly dog. I wanted to curl up with a blanket in front of the TV, but I knew that my answers weren't in the flatscreen. My answers were in swirling snowflakes, a prancing puppy, and the quiet that is the snow in the forest. It took everything I had to get myself out there, but I did it, and I'm glad.

***

I don't have it figured out, but I'm slowly - oh so slowly! - realizing that if I can pinpoint what I want the most, I might just be able to get it. I'm slowly, painstakingly slowly, realizing that when I figure out what I REALLY want, that I can make changes in my life to get what I want.

I want to be healthy, have energy, and feel beautiful... so I need to watch what I eat, and I need to exercise more.

I want to be a writer... so I need to write more.

And I want to live thoughtfully, in a way that treads lightly on the earth and doesn't stress my finances... so I need to say "no" to things, and "yes" to experiences like hiking in the woods.

I want to fall in love with a real partner, the kind I deserve ... so I'm going to have to put myself out there.

It's so simple, and it is so complicated. But I know what I want, and I'm going after it. There are no shortcuts. It's hard to live my values.

But I'm going all out, and I'm trying. I can do this. It's worth it to me, and I see it with some clarity that was missing not that long ago.

***
I stopped eating brownies, I started eating lots more whole grains, fruits, and veggies along with lean protein....and I dropped 10 pounds. If I can do that, I can do anything.

I'm going to be a size 6 again by summer.

But more than that, I'm going to be the best me, in every way, that I have ever been. I'm ready. No excuses. And with that, I think that I'm ready for what I want most of all: the love of my life.

I can see it. It's what I want, and I know now why I wasn't ready, but I am now.

I can't wait to watch this unfold!