Sick Day

I am really over being sick.

Being sick is not over me.

I came down with the flu (or something like it) on Friday, and I've been down for the count since then. I'm definitely on my way to getting better - my fever broke yesterday, but it's amazing how wiped out I am.

I've been watching Gilmore Girls (for the zillionth time), and lounging in bed with my dog, who must really understand how awful I feel, because he hasn't been pestering me to play, just snuggled up against my legs. It was sort of nice for a minute or two, but I'm bored and wanting to do something, but still lacking energy.

I've been thinking about my health a lot.

I've been on Weight Watchers for three weeks, and I'm down twelve pounds. I find this is slightly extraordinary - I've hated those twelve pounds (and their friends) for a long time, felt disconnected from my body for a long time, and somehow I was able to overcome them (and this is the crazy part) with ease.

I just decided that I was over feeling the way I felt, and I decided to do something about it, and then I did. I've done Weight Watchers before (I lost 40 pounds after cancer, and kept it off for years) and so I didn't even think about it, I just signed up. And then I started following the program, tracking my food, and making simple swaps (no sour cream, use fat free Greek yogurt instead; lots of chicken breasts, not so much beef; double or triple the number of fruits and veggies I'd been eating).

And - success.

It is really extraordinary to witness the changes in my body after 12 pounds gone. My body has a different shape, in addition to the size. My clothes fit differently. But most of all? I just feel different. I can't even describe it - I just know that I feel completely different than I did three weeks ago when I started.

And I'm just getting started.

I do not know how I'd worked myself up to this high weight, but I did. Well, I do know: I put my health on the back burner, worked out only sporadically, and I ate just about everything, without the slightest consideration, and in large quantities. It was a recipe for disaster, and a disaster occurred. My cholesterol shot up, my waistline ballooned, and I felt sluggish in all ways.

But no more.

At only three weeks, I've barely started my new habits - I know I'm nowhere near the safe zone. As a matter of fact, I know that there is no safe zone. I know that when I was my goal weight and kept there for a stretch, I thought I was safe forever - but it just doesn't work like that.

This time, I'm going through this knowing that when Weight Watchers says "Lifetime" it doesn't mean I'm done and I can celebrate, it means that I get the opportunity to spend the rest of my life working on that success. Lifetime means that there are no shortcuts, and that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life managing my health.

I have another lipid panel scheduled for May. By then, I'd love to be 15-20 pounds down from where I am now, well within my healthy BMI range, and starting to wear the size 6s that I should never have taken for granted.

***

Being sick sucks. It really does. It's not vacation, it's not fun, it's boring and irritating. The past few days have gone by in a blur: my house is still a mess, the dog isn't getting enough exercise, I miss work.

So I'm going to work really hard at making sure that I don't get sick.

I'm losing weight, lowering my cholesterol, reducing my blood pressure. If I ever crawl out of bed (tomorrow, I hope!) I will get my exercise going in earnest. I'm eating healthy food that is actually quite delicious (although it is a shift in my palate - no question, I had some really bad habits). I'm still able to have treats, just in moderation.

And I'm ready to face a whole life ahead with this new philosophy. I'm going to lose a total of 30 pounds, and I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to keep my new eating habits for a lifetime. Because I'm ready. Because I'm worth it.

And because I felt really awful before, and it wasn't worth it.

So yes, I'm sick - but I'm getting healthy. It's time.