Sick Day

I am really over being sick.

Being sick is not over me.

I came down with the flu (or something like it) on Friday, and I've been down for the count since then. I'm definitely on my way to getting better - my fever broke yesterday, but it's amazing how wiped out I am.

I've been watching Gilmore Girls (for the zillionth time), and lounging in bed with my dog, who must really understand how awful I feel, because he hasn't been pestering me to play, just snuggled up against my legs. It was sort of nice for a minute or two, but I'm bored and wanting to do something, but still lacking energy.

I've been thinking about my health a lot.

I've been on Weight Watchers for three weeks, and I'm down twelve pounds. I find this is slightly extraordinary - I've hated those twelve pounds (and their friends) for a long time, felt disconnected from my body for a long time, and somehow I was able to overcome them (and this is the crazy part) with ease.

I just decided that I was over feeling the way I felt, and I decided to do something about it, and then I did. I've done Weight Watchers before (I lost 40 pounds after cancer, and kept it off for years) and so I didn't even think about it, I just signed up. And then I started following the program, tracking my food, and making simple swaps (no sour cream, use fat free Greek yogurt instead; lots of chicken breasts, not so much beef; double or triple the number of fruits and veggies I'd been eating).

And - success.

It is really extraordinary to witness the changes in my body after 12 pounds gone. My body has a different shape, in addition to the size. My clothes fit differently. But most of all? I just feel different. I can't even describe it - I just know that I feel completely different than I did three weeks ago when I started.

And I'm just getting started.

I do not know how I'd worked myself up to this high weight, but I did. Well, I do know: I put my health on the back burner, worked out only sporadically, and I ate just about everything, without the slightest consideration, and in large quantities. It was a recipe for disaster, and a disaster occurred. My cholesterol shot up, my waistline ballooned, and I felt sluggish in all ways.

But no more.

At only three weeks, I've barely started my new habits - I know I'm nowhere near the safe zone. As a matter of fact, I know that there is no safe zone. I know that when I was my goal weight and kept there for a stretch, I thought I was safe forever - but it just doesn't work like that.

This time, I'm going through this knowing that when Weight Watchers says "Lifetime" it doesn't mean I'm done and I can celebrate, it means that I get the opportunity to spend the rest of my life working on that success. Lifetime means that there are no shortcuts, and that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life managing my health.

I have another lipid panel scheduled for May. By then, I'd love to be 15-20 pounds down from where I am now, well within my healthy BMI range, and starting to wear the size 6s that I should never have taken for granted.

***

Being sick sucks. It really does. It's not vacation, it's not fun, it's boring and irritating. The past few days have gone by in a blur: my house is still a mess, the dog isn't getting enough exercise, I miss work.

So I'm going to work really hard at making sure that I don't get sick.

I'm losing weight, lowering my cholesterol, reducing my blood pressure. If I ever crawl out of bed (tomorrow, I hope!) I will get my exercise going in earnest. I'm eating healthy food that is actually quite delicious (although it is a shift in my palate - no question, I had some really bad habits). I'm still able to have treats, just in moderation.

And I'm ready to face a whole life ahead with this new philosophy. I'm going to lose a total of 30 pounds, and I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to keep my new eating habits for a lifetime. Because I'm ready. Because I'm worth it.

And because I felt really awful before, and it wasn't worth it.

So yes, I'm sick - but I'm getting healthy. It's time.

Detour

My plan for mid-winter break:
1. Rest
2. Go on great adventures
3. Work out
4. Catch up at work

I did okay with resting, and then my body said "Detour!" in a very loud voice: I got sick. Really sick. Fevers, chills, sneezing, coughing, body aches sick.

It is Monday morning and I'm at home, not at work. I think my fever broke last night (I got so sweaty I had to change my pajamas at two in the morning!), so maybe I'm on the mend, but I am definitely moving slowly (because that is all I can seem to do, and because when I get up and move I start coughing).

None of this is according to plan.

Most of my life has not been according to plan, actually. It is rare when something has gone as anticipated. I'm getting used to that idea, but I'm not bitter about it: I'm starting to figure out the peace in the detours.

This morning, I'm feeling gratitude, despite my illness.

My dog - so bouncy and wild - has calmly stayed by my side. He knows I'm sick, and he is here for me in an uncharacteristically calm way.

My work colleagues texted me to offer any support they could give. They told me they missed me, and then they made me feel appreciated, and they encouraged me to stay home and care for myself.

I have sick leave.

My teenage daughter went to the store to buy more ibuprofen, satsumas, tissues, throat lozenges, and chicken so that I can make chicken soup (tonight's dinner). She's brought me tea, and been self sufficient. (At 17 I still try to mom her, but it's nice to know she doesn't need me to do everything.)

So here I am, in my warm, comfortable house, with a cup of coffee in a favorite mug, sick and in bed. It's a detour I hadn't planned, but somehow, I'm okay.

I can get some work done. I can write. I can do some laundry. I can have a nap. I can drink tea.

***

After the really horrifying experience of witnessing domestic violence, I think I'm not surprised I got sick. I put myself in harm's way, and my body went into panic mode afterwards: I swear I could feel my blood pressure through the roof. I'm not surprised that my body said "Enough." Today is enforced down time; today I will move slowly, whether I want to or not.

***
I am determined to live my best life, detours and all. I have learned that sometimes the worst detours lead to some fantastic places: cancer taught me strength and the joy of being alive; divorce freed me to be happy. Looking back at my life, those detours were necessary for me to become who I am now, and I like myself better for how those experiences shaped me.

If my father had not revealed his truth, and shouted how ashamed he was of me, I would still be trapped in a relationship with him where I was constantly scrambling to stay safe as he questioned my worth.

The detours are horrible. In the moment, they are filled with pain, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. At the moment when the detour announces itself, I have felt worthless.

It's what happens after that that matters, though.

I have come to realize that it's what we do with the detours that shapes us, not whether we get detours. EVERYONE gets detours! Some people seem blessed with fewer detours than others, but nobody gets through life unscathed. Whether it's health issues, family of origin issues, trauma such as rape or war, relationship issues, work issues, poverty issues, or equity issues (I do not forget my privilege as a white, middle class, cisgender, straight person), nobody gets through life without some detours. Some are easier to deal with than others, but having survived some, I know that I can survive others.

***

So, here I am, in required downtime. It's nearly 9am and I've managed to send in sub plans hours ago, and here I am writing, and the rest of the day stretches out before me. The trick will be to manage my time well, acknowledging that my body needs rest, but that even in rest there are ways to heal and ways to merely pass the time. How I manage my detour is up to me. This is my life, and I get to shape my path.

***

Weight Watchers follow up:

One of my detours has been my weight, and with it, my health. When I finished cancer treatment, I managed to lose 40 pounds, and I felt SO DAMN GOOD. I kept most of that weight off for almost a decade, but then it crept back up, and in my "new" job (2.5 years) I think I've gained 25 pounds. I say "I think" because my scale lives under the bathroom cabinet, and I hadn't pulled it out in years, so I have no idea how much I weighed when I started that job, but I do know that some of the clothes I could wear when I started no longer fit, and that my pant size went up from a 6 to a 10 since I started.

I am determined to reclaim my health again. This time, it's my cholesterol that has motivated me. I did not fight cancer for years only to die of a heart attack! Getting my cholesterol results was a definite detour, and it scared me.

But good things are coming from it.

I've lost 11.2 pounds in three weeks on Weight Watchers. I'm never hungry, because I can eat as much as I need. I've been snacking on fruit a lot more than usual - it isn't unusual for me to have a banana, an apple, and three satsumas in a day. I know there are folks out there who say "oh no fruit has too much sugar!" but I respond that nobody ever got fat eating fruit. I'm eating lots of fiber, I'm eating the rainbow, and more importantly I'm not eating processed junk or desserts because I'm filling up on healthy, whole foods. I know that this is how to take care of my health, and I'm thrilled with how I feel. When I've wanted a treat - chocolate, or, in one case, a burger - I've planned for it, tracked the points, and stayed on plan, and continued to lose weight. This is what healthy eating looks like to me: it's not about deprivation, it's about making thoughtful choices. According to the data, losing just 5% of one's weight can lower cholesterol, so in theory my cholesterol is already lower.

But it's more than that.

I want to date again. No, I don't: I want to fall in love. I want real, everlasting love with a man who finds me extraordinary. I want to look at him and think "How did I ever get this lucky?" and I want to feel safe, happy, and excited all at the same time.

I deserve that.

By working on my cholesterol, I'm also working on my physical appearance. I know that the right man for me will love me for my giant heart, my brave spirit, and my irrepressible optimism, but I also want him to think that I'm beautiful. What's more, I want to feel confident in my own skin. I don't want to sigh when I catch my reflection in a window. I want to go for runs where stretching my legs in that way makes me feel incredibly strong. I want to go for hikes where my focus is the lake, the smell of the forest, the feeling of the sun on my skin, because my body is strong and wants to soak up the miles.

I will be in a size 6 again by summer. I'm doing it for me, and if nobody noticed or cared it would still fill me with excitement to reclaim my body in this way. But I also think that I deserve to have a man think that I'm beautiful, and be drawn not only to my soul but to my physical self.

The cholesterol detour is going to pay off. I am absolutely sure that I am on the right track to get back my body, the one that is rightfully mine. I still have a ways to go - I want to lose at least 19 more pounds - but that's okay. I'm doing what it takes, committed to the process, and sure that it will work out. When I set my mind to something, nothing will stop me.

I know I'm unstoppable because I've had huge detours in the past, and I've found my way.

The next few months will be transformative for me. My body is changing, and with it, my mind is shifting. I will open myself up to dating again and - my intuition tells me - this time I'm ready, and the Universe has someone waiting for me who will be just as excited to find me as I am to find him.

***

So, I'm lying in bed, Chance at my feet, sniffling and sneezing with a tightness in my chest, but it's okay. It's okay, because I'm thinking about the life that I'm making, and I'm planning for my future, and I'm reflecting on how far I've come. I know that a chest cold/flu/whatever this is can derail, but only for so long. I'm not afraid of the detour, and I'm ready to come back stronger than ever. I also know that today is a day for naps, and I don't need to feel guilty about that.

Sometimes, detours have the best views.