Sometimes these things that we know are wrong. We are taught sometimes that we are worthless, or we think that we're bad at math because our teachers didn't know how to teach us. We sometimes think we're stuck in the lives we live, because we forget how to change. Sometimes the things we know aren't true - the truth simply doesn't reconcile. (Republicans and Democrats cannot both be right about Donald Trump. Somebody has to be wrong, or there has to be some combination of sides being wrong, but it is not possible for two such different views to both be right.)
So, we make mistakes. We stumble. We forget about that still, small voice inside us, and we get lost. We forget our truths, and we head the wrong direction.
But I don't want to talk about that.
I am filled with wonder at the things in my life that I know, deeply and truly, with certainty and peace. Not things like the Pythagorean theorem, or pedagogical methods, but deeper things. Soul things.
I knew when I saw my daughter's face for the first time, damp and squalling, that I loved her so wholly and completely that I would give anything for her well being. That is more true than ever, nearly seventeen years later.
And I knew the moment when I needed a divorce. One minute I did not know, and then the next, I did, not dramatically because of some giant incident, but because in my bones and my soul I knew it was true. I knew I must, I knew I would, and I was filled with the truth of it. I haven't regretted it, even on the worst days, all these years later.
And I knew one day, years into the cancer journey, that I was okay, and that I would be okay. I went from constant fear that Damacles' sword would fall and slice me open, to looking up and seeing sunny, blue skies. I couldn't explain how I knew... I just knew that I was okay. I went from shaking in fear that any day I'd be dead, to feeling fully alive and hopeful. It has been nearly 15 years.
Sometimes we just... know.
I was at Banff National Park in Canada in 2017, taking my annual one week vacation with Tessa, camping and hiking and exploring the sights, when I had one of these epiphanies. I'd helped two fellow campers who had a dead car battery, and they invited me to join them for a glass of wine at their campfire afterwards. We sat around their fire pit, surrounded by trees and stars, and I found out that they were both retired teachers. We spent an hour or two swapping funny teacher stories and discussing the profession, and I felt the lightening bolt hit me: I was supposed to go back to teaching. Given that I didn't know these two very well, I didn't feel up to saying "I've just had a major life changing realization" (I was sure they'd think I was nuts), so when we wrapped up our evening and Tessa and I went back to the tent, I lay there thinking, "Can I make this work?" and plotted a plan of how to make it happen. Far from wifi, I couldn't look anything up, but I figured it would take me a year to renew my certification, that I'd have to quit my job to go back to school... but that it was worth it. I knew.
When I got home from the trip, a few days later, I logged on to the OSPI website to figure out the details of renewing, nervous about how I'd afford the coursework. To my shock, all I had to do was pay a small fee, and I was re-certified. I cried, I was so happy. I quit my job before I had another job lined up (I calculated that I could substitute teach, or do temp work, if worst came to worst), but in the end, I finished up the old job on a Friday and began in my own classroom that Monday. Weirdest yet? I got my old teaching job back. Same school, same classes.
Sometimes, the Universe just really wants us to have something. Teaching has been right, and true, and good for me, and I'm so grateful I found my way back. I knew I was on the right path - I just KNEW - and the Universe stepped up and gave me the opportunity to make it happen with an ease that was shockingly delightful.
It's happening again, and I feel it in my bones.
I know it's time to write (and the NYT said, "we'll publish that!"). It's just time. I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
I know it's time to date, because I know I'm ready to fall in love.
I have been fearful about falling in love. The past few years I've said, "My life is so good - why would I want to mess this up?" but I've known that I needed to figure something out, too. I was fearful because in the past, when I've cared about someone, I've let them walk all over me. I've had flexible (read: not there) boundaries that meant I wasn't getting my needs met. I've been so flexible that I've sent the message "you can behave however you want, and I'll still be here." I never want to feel like that again.
And suddenly, I know that I can hold a boundary, that I can take the risk to speak my truth, and that I can live with the consequences. I know, and I'm sure, and I'm sure that means I'm ready.
When I realized the writing, it was a few days later that the NYT wrote me. (But I had to write them first, of course.) Now I realize that I'm ready to be open to love, so I signed up for a dating app. I don't know if that's the right way to go about it, but I know this: I've changed. Just like that, very gradually then all at once, I'm a new person again, and I'm ready.
I don't know when I'll get published again. I don't know when I'll write something really worth reading again. What I know, though, is that I know that things are new, that I need to write, that I am finally - at long, long last! - ready to fall in love and be loved. And I'm old enough to know that when these feelings come, I should listen. It's time. And I'm not going to fight and scratch and scrape, I'm going to get excited and yell "THANK YOU!" when it comes through. Maybe that thank you will be due tomorrow, or maybe the next day, or the next year, but it's right around the corner. I feel it.
I've got "Defying Gravity" going through my head non-stop. I must not be the only person who has felt like this before if it's already been turned into a song. I'm going to trust it, do the work, and wait for the Universe to work its magic.
When have you known? Did the Universe respond with big messages once you figured it out? I can't be alone in this experience - tell me about your interactions with knowing, too! I look forward to hearing from you.
Sometimes we just... know.
I was at Banff National Park in Canada in 2017, taking my annual one week vacation with Tessa, camping and hiking and exploring the sights, when I had one of these epiphanies. I'd helped two fellow campers who had a dead car battery, and they invited me to join them for a glass of wine at their campfire afterwards. We sat around their fire pit, surrounded by trees and stars, and I found out that they were both retired teachers. We spent an hour or two swapping funny teacher stories and discussing the profession, and I felt the lightening bolt hit me: I was supposed to go back to teaching. Given that I didn't know these two very well, I didn't feel up to saying "I've just had a major life changing realization" (I was sure they'd think I was nuts), so when we wrapped up our evening and Tessa and I went back to the tent, I lay there thinking, "Can I make this work?" and plotted a plan of how to make it happen. Far from wifi, I couldn't look anything up, but I figured it would take me a year to renew my certification, that I'd have to quit my job to go back to school... but that it was worth it. I knew.
When I got home from the trip, a few days later, I logged on to the OSPI website to figure out the details of renewing, nervous about how I'd afford the coursework. To my shock, all I had to do was pay a small fee, and I was re-certified. I cried, I was so happy. I quit my job before I had another job lined up (I calculated that I could substitute teach, or do temp work, if worst came to worst), but in the end, I finished up the old job on a Friday and began in my own classroom that Monday. Weirdest yet? I got my old teaching job back. Same school, same classes.
Sometimes, the Universe just really wants us to have something. Teaching has been right, and true, and good for me, and I'm so grateful I found my way back. I knew I was on the right path - I just KNEW - and the Universe stepped up and gave me the opportunity to make it happen with an ease that was shockingly delightful.
It's happening again, and I feel it in my bones.
I know it's time to write (and the NYT said, "we'll publish that!"). It's just time. I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
I know it's time to date, because I know I'm ready to fall in love.
I have been fearful about falling in love. The past few years I've said, "My life is so good - why would I want to mess this up?" but I've known that I needed to figure something out, too. I was fearful because in the past, when I've cared about someone, I've let them walk all over me. I've had flexible (read: not there) boundaries that meant I wasn't getting my needs met. I've been so flexible that I've sent the message "you can behave however you want, and I'll still be here." I never want to feel like that again.
And suddenly, I know that I can hold a boundary, that I can take the risk to speak my truth, and that I can live with the consequences. I know, and I'm sure, and I'm sure that means I'm ready.
When I realized the writing, it was a few days later that the NYT wrote me. (But I had to write them first, of course.) Now I realize that I'm ready to be open to love, so I signed up for a dating app. I don't know if that's the right way to go about it, but I know this: I've changed. Just like that, very gradually then all at once, I'm a new person again, and I'm ready.
I don't know when I'll get published again. I don't know when I'll write something really worth reading again. What I know, though, is that I know that things are new, that I need to write, that I am finally - at long, long last! - ready to fall in love and be loved. And I'm old enough to know that when these feelings come, I should listen. It's time. And I'm not going to fight and scratch and scrape, I'm going to get excited and yell "THANK YOU!" when it comes through. Maybe that thank you will be due tomorrow, or maybe the next day, or the next year, but it's right around the corner. I feel it.
I've got "Defying Gravity" going through my head non-stop. I must not be the only person who has felt like this before if it's already been turned into a song. I'm going to trust it, do the work, and wait for the Universe to work its magic.
When have you known? Did the Universe respond with big messages once you figured it out? I can't be alone in this experience - tell me about your interactions with knowing, too! I look forward to hearing from you.
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!
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